Our society is in serious trouble. We are facing an incredible crisis. An unprecedented number of people are losing homes, gasoline prices are soaring, one out of four teenagers are dropping out of high school, drug addiction including alcoholism is rampant, and the divorce rate is the highest it has been in the history of the United States, What is causing these problems? I believe the answer can be found if we examine our culture and how we adapt to it.

We live in a culture that is not based on wisdom, but is instead based on having. We treat ourselves as objects and look at others as objects too. Women are sex objects in our society, while men are success objects. We overvalue possessions and judge our worth on what we own and what we do – rather than on who we are.

We are driven to achieve and to acquire as much as we can. We are searching for glory in all the wrong places. We want more and more and more. In fact we are addicted to more in this society. We want a better car, we want more money, we want to have more fun, we want the latest tech toys, we want a more attractive partner, we want more understanding, we want more sex, we want more respect, we want a better body, and we want it all to come easily. The list can go on and on ad nauseum.

In order to make ourselves “marketable” or acceptable we try to live up to an idealized image of who we think we are supposed to be. This false self becomes the solution to a basic fear or anxiety that we won’t be loved or accepted. But because our solution to this basic anxiety rests on a rejection of the self - it never works. The irony is we reject our true self to make ourselves acceptable. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? We alienate ourselves from our true self and then we fear that we are going to be found out to be a phony. I guess the truth is we really are phonies.

We betray ourselves and so does our culture. We are discouraged to be real and authentic; instead we are encouraged to have. We are discouraged to be honest. Instead we are told that, “Image is everything.” We focus on performing and producing, rather than on building character. Things seem to be more important than people. What a mess! I don’t know about you but I am sick and tired of it.

I believe this current crisis is a wake-up call, giving us the opportunity to find a healthier balance in our lives: But only if we wake up. We are asleep thinking we are awake. We are living in a trance. We are hypnotized into believing that this is how life is supposed to be. But it’s not.

We have all learned to play games with ourselves and others that keep us immature. We are afraid of pain and frustration - the reality is that pain helps us mature and grow up. Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth and personal transformation. But we are pain phobic in this society and we have learned to avoid suffering at all costs- and the price we pay is great.

Therefore it is important to find your lost, true self. Needless to say the going will get tough at times, In fact I believe the more honest we are and the healthier we become the more we will face our shortcomings. Quite a paradox isn’t it. Therapy is difficult, ignorance is not bliss, and addressing our problems is definitely the road less traveled. I believe however that there is a force in us that wants to mature and become a better person. I hope you will listen to that part of you.

My view of relationships and therapy has been shaped and influenced by Walter Kempler, M.D., a pioneer in the field of family therapy. We worked together for over 15 years working. He was a remarkable man who translated the principles of Gestalt Therapy, namely the work of Fritz Perls, M.D., into therapy with couples and families.

Dr. Kempler taught me that we need a person in our lives to “grind” against. That conflict is necessary; it helps us take the next step in our personal development. In fact I believe that we chose a partner based on the unconscious wisdom that this partner will cause us trouble so we can grind. Therefore when you are having a problem in your relationship it doesn’t mean something is wrong. On the contrary, it means something is right. This is what I call “therapeutic trouble” because it provides an opportunity to grow up and become a better person and a better partner.

If you’d like to learn more about relationships and the ideas I have about making them work, then please read my blog or purchase my book, “Love Secrets-Revealed.” You can acquire this book at www.amazon.com or www.hcibooks.com or directly from me at my bookstore.