What Does a Dry Drunk Look Like? | Louise (Part Two)

An excerpt from “12 More Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery: Navigating Common Pitfalls on Your Sobriety Journey by Allen Berger, PhD., Hazelden Publishing 2016

Though no longer drinking, Louise was a classic example of the “dry drunk”— the person who, though sober, refuses to change at a deeper level and continues to inflict pain on oneself and others. The dry drunk misses the full benefits of a rigorous recovery program that addresses their specific needs and is, therefore, always just a sip away from relapse. Louise was selling herself short.

Confusing Meeting Attendance with Working a Program

We call it working a program because it takes effort! Simply sitting at a meeting is too passive. Confronting yourself, striving to have the best possible attitude, finding the right help or the right sponsor, and actively practicing the Steps is what matters.

Louise’s physical sobriety had saved her from the immediate crisis of her addiction, but she hadn’t done what it took to find emotional sobriety. Louise’s need to control her husband and children in order to feel good about herself was a sign of her emotional immaturity. Her acid tongue, tendency to blame others, and refusal to address relationship problems with her husband and children were ample evidence that she was afraid to make a real connection with the people who cared about her, and she dealt with that fear by trying to control them. She believed that everything would be okay if her husband and children unquestioningly obeyed her demands. But she ended up alienating them and creating a toxic atmosphere in the family.

Because the children never learned from their father how to hold on to themselves— that is, not cave in— when their mother was being demanding, they were stuck using the same strategies that their parents modeled for them. Sometimes they were also demanding, sometimes they blamed themselves, sometimes they rebelled, and often they emotionally distanced themselves from the toxic climate in the family. They were doing just what they had learned from Mom and Dad.

If Louise were really working an effective program, she would have been more aware of and admitted her shortcomings. She’d have been willing to address her character defects and change her behavior. She wouldn’t have needed to deflect or dismiss her husband’s concerns because she would have recognized the behaviors that alienated him and been willing to make amends, trust her Higher Power, and act out of her best self.

But she wasn’t willing to face her shortcomings. She remained a passive participant in her program, expecting others to change in order for her to be happy. As we spoke further, I learned that in recovery, Louise had fired several of her sponsors because they challenged her. I asked Louise to share with me her definition of recovery. She defined recovery as staying sober, going to meetings, and helping others— that was it. Nothing else!

Her definition of recovery was convenient for her. It let her off the hook. She didn’t have to take an inventory, make amends, promptly admit when she was wrong, trust a Power greater than herself, and strive to truly serve others by recognizing the legitimacy of their needs. Her definition of recovery was narrow indeed— but by her definition, she was working a good program.

When we resist seeing something that’s obvious to everyone else, it usually means that we’re unable to tolerate the truth. We refuse to see who we really are because we’re afraid of what we’d see. In this case, Louise would turn the same harsh and blaming attitude on herself that she put on others. As it turned out, she resisted being honest with herself because she would have to admit that her behavior was very similar to her mother’s— whom she hated. She had declared early in life that she would never act like her mother— but now she was doing just that, and she was using the program to deflect responsibility for her inappropriate behavior.

In her mind, “working a good program” by attending meetings and saying all the right things made her right and anyone who challenged her wrong. She was unable to admit her wrongs against her children, husband, and others, and seek to make amends.

Though no longer drinking, Louise was a classic example of the “dry drunk”— the person who, though sober, refuses to change at a deeper level and continues to inflict pain on oneself and others. The dry drunk misses the full benefits of a rigorous recovery program that addresses their specific needs and is, therefore, always just a sip away from relapse. Louise was selling herself short.

Earnie Larsen explained the problem in this way:

Victims of dry drunks have made a First Step relative to their addiction, but have not made a First Step relative to the living problems that underlie all addictions and ultimately limit their ability to function in loving relationships. (1985, p. 14)

Louise’s problem is not uncommon. Her story illustrates that to get sober and stay sober we need to build a solid foundation for a new way of life that includes finding emotional sobriety. This foundation for recovery rests on the bedrock of humility and is built, block by block, by learning how to be intimate and function in healthy relationships.

READ PART ONE

“We perceive that only through utter defeat we are able to take the first steps toward liberation and strength.”
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 1952 -1981.